MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION 2021

2021

Oh Crap, Political Trick or Treat

American Hero

Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids

10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder" 

 9. "You smell like supermarket gin" 
 8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they
 accepted my mom's MasterCard" 

7. "I want a 2018 Tesla" 

 6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box,I'm gonna 

hunt you down, old man" 

 5. "I'm Jewish" 

 4. "I love you Kenny Rogers" 

 3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents" 

 2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses" 

 1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Office Christmas Party

Thanksgiving Dinner Guest

Follow the Path to Trick or Treat

Like to know YOUR Halloween Name?

Politically Correct Halloween Masks

Letter to my Redneck Son

Dear Redneck Son:

I'm writing this letter slow because 

I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.

It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Ma

PS I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2017 when….

1. You accidently enter your PIN number on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you caryy in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around and go get it. 

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.  : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom who are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

Non Professional Senior Eye Test

7 Words 2 Meanings Male vs Female

Autumn

How Cold is the Ground Hog?

Senior Times Personal Ad's

 

FOXY LADY:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

 

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

 

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

 

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

8 DANGEROUS WORDS WOMEN USE

8 DANGEROUS WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(3) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(4) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(5) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(6) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

 (7) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU!

(8) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Christmas Group Therapy

Father's Day Truth Be Told

Poison Santa 2014

Support the U.S. Curling Team...

Ok..it's cold!

disturbed carollers!

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE “DISTURBED”  1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?  2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are.  3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas.   4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.  5. Manic --- Deck the Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets                    And stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and                    Trucks and Trees and…..  6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.  7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.  8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I’m                                         Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why.   9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy –                                               can I  have a chocolate, why is France                                               so far away?  10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,      Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,      Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,      Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,      Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,      Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells….

Political Science for Dummies Part 1

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull,

and build a herd of cows.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government

pays you to shoot one, milk the other,

and then pours the milk down the drain.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

What MA taught me

My mother taught me…GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me…RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me…LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me… MORE LOGIC 

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, don’t coming running to me."

My mother taught me… FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me… IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me… about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me… about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me… about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me… about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me… about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me… about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me… ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me… HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me… TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

And my favorite: My mother taught me… about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

'

High School Exit Exam

 New High School Exit Exam, you only need

4 correct out of 10 questions to  pass.

(Passing  requires only 4 correct answers)

1)  How long did the Hundred  Years' War last?

2)  Which country makes Panama hats?

3)  From which animal do we get cat gut?

4)  In which month do Russians celebrate the October  Revolution?

5)  What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6)  The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7)  What was  King George VI's first  name?

8)  What color is a purple finch?

9)  Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10)  What is the color of the black box in a commercial  airplane

Remember,  you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?  116 years 

2) Which country makes Panama hats?   Ecuador 

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?  Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?  Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?  Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?  Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

Irish Ventriloquist

A Ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub,

when an irate Irishman stands up and yells:

You’re making out like we’re all dumb and stupid.

I oughtta punch you in the nose.”

“I’m sorry sir, I….”

“Not you, “ says the Irishman,

“I’m talking to that little fella on your knee.”

February 14th

Super Bowl 2011

MLK

2011

Christmas 2010

Lunar eclipse tonight..Let's look for aliens.

As Earth slips between the sun and moon, changing the tint

of the lunar surface from white to orange to russet

and back, you're seeing the effect Earth's atmosphere is

having on the color of sunlight passing through it.

Bow Wow Bone Recipe

4 cups whole wheat flour

2 cups rolled oats
2 cups warm water

1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup peanut butter

2 Eggs

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Combine wheat flour and oats, in large bowl. In a small bowl, stir in water and peanut butter, mix to dissolve peanut butter, stir in brown sugar, stir in eggs and mix. Pour mixture into flour. Knead dough on a lightly floured surface, mixing in more flour as needed until dough is smooth and no longer sticky. Roll out 1/2 of dough to 1/4 inch thick. Cut w/ cookie cutters, and place on very lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake 40 minutes. Turn oven off; leave biscuits in oven until completely cool to make sure no moisture remains in biscuits.

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.

It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.

Three of my friends have disappeared.

Are you O.K.?