Saturday, January 1, 2022

Monday, December 18, 2017

Top Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear From Kids


10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder" 
 9. "You smell like supermarket gin" 
 8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they
 accepted my mom's MasterCard" 




7. "I want a 2018 Tesla" 
 6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box,I'm gonna 
hunt you down, old man" 
 5. "I'm Jewish" 
 4. "I love you Kenny Rogers" 
 3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents" 
 2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses" 
 1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Letter to my Redneck Son


Dear Redneck Son:

I'm writing this letter slow because 
I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is really nice.

It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Ma

PS I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2017 when….

1. You accidently enter your PIN number on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you caryy in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around and go get it. 



10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.  : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom who are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Senior Times Personal Ad's

 
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
 
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
 
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
 
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


Friday, January 8, 2016

8 DANGEROUS WORDS WOMEN USE


8 DANGEROUS WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(3) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(4) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(5) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(6) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

 (7) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU!

(8) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Saturday, December 14, 2013

disturbed carollers!





 CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE “DISTURBED”

 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
 
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
 
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas. 
 
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
 
5. Manic --- Deck the Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
                   And stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and
                   Trucks and Trees and…..
 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I’m
                                        Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why. 
 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy –
                                              can I  have a chocolate, why is France
                                              so far away?
 10Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
     
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
     Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
     Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
     Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

     Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells….
    

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Political Science for Dummies Part 1


DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government
pays you to shoot one, milk the other,
and then pours the milk down the drain.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

What MA taught me


My mother taught me…GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught meRELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me…LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me… MORE LOGIC 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, don’t coming running to me."

My mother taught me… FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me… IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me… about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me… about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me… about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me… about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me… about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."


My mother taught me… about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me… ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me… HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me… TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



And my favorite: My mother taught me… about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
'

Friday, April 8, 2011

High School Exit Exam

 New High School Exit Exam, you only need
4 correct out of 10 questions to  pass.
(Passing  requires only 4 correct answers)
1)  How long did the Hundred  Years' War last?
2)  Which country makes Panama hats?
3)  From which animal do we get cat gut?
4)  In which month do Russians celebrate the October  Revolution?
5)  What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6)  The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7)  What was  King George VI's first  name?
8)  What color is a purple finch?
9)  Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10)  What is the color of the black box in a commercial  airplane


Remember,  you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?  116 years 
2) Which country makes Panama hats?   Ecuador 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?  Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?  Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?  Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?  Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?  Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Irish Ventriloquist



A Ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub,
when an irate Irishman stands up and yells:
You’re making out like we’re all dumb and stupid.
I oughtta punch you in the nose.”

“I’m sorry sir, I….”

“Not you, “ says the Irishman,
“I’m talking to that little fella on your knee.”

Monday, February 14, 2011

February 14th


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl 2011


Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Sunday, January 30, 2011


Monday, January 17, 2011

MLK


Friday, December 31, 2010

2011


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas 2010


Monday, December 20, 2010

Lunar eclipse tonight..Let's look for aliens.

As Earth slips between the sun and moon, changing the tint
of the lunar surface from white to orange to russet
and back, you're seeing the effect Earth's atmosphere is
having on the color of sunlight passing through it.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Bow Wow Bone Recipe

4 cups whole wheat flour
2 cups rolled oats
2 cups warm water
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 Eggs
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Combine wheat flour and oats, in large bowl. In a small bowl, stir in water and peanut butter, mix to dissolve peanut butter, stir in brown sugar, stir in eggs and mix. Pour mixture into flour. Knead dough on a lightly floured surface, mixing in more flour as needed until dough is smooth and no longer sticky. Roll out 1/2 of dough to 1/4 inch thick. Cut w/ cookie cutters, and place on very lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake 40 minutes. Turn oven off; leave biscuits in oven until completely cool to make sure no moisture remains in biscuits.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.
It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS.
Three of my friends have disappeared.
Are you O.K.?