World Aids Day

Women Only

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!

Must be where the term 'Smart Ass' came from.

Happy Turkey Day

MOOOOOOOOO

Thanksgiving Already???

(Traditional Thanksgiving Day Poem)

Over the river and through the wood

To Grandmother's house we go.

The horse knows the way

To carry the sleigh

Through white and drifted snow.

Over the river and through the wood

Oh, how the wind does blow!

It stings the toes

And bites the nose,

As over the ground we go.

Over the river and through the wood

To have a first-rate play.

Hear the bells ring,

Ting-a-ling-ling!

Hurrah for Thanksgiving Day!

Over the river and through the wood,

Trot fast, my dapple gray!

Spring over the ground

Like a hunting hound,

For this is Thanksgiving Day.

Over the river and through the wood,

And straight through the barnyard gate.

We seem to go

Extremely slow~

It is so hard to wait!

Over the river and through the wood~

Now Grandmother's cap I spy!

Hurrah for fun!

Is the pudding done?

Hurrah for the pumpkin pie!

~By Linda Maria Child

Scary Time

This year's Halloween Mask

1492

Autumn

"OLD" IS WHEN.....

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


"OLD" IS WHEN.....
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.




"OLD" IS WHEN..... "An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "The candles cost more than your birthday cake.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Beer Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. (Apparently this has happened to several people?!)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear

.

Clever Romantic Rhyme Luv Notes Contest

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign……………………….. What you be after you be eight
Bacteria…………………. …… Back door to cafeteria
Barium……………. …………. When patients die
Cesarean Section…………… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan…….. ……………….. Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………… Made eye contact with her
Colic……………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………….. A punctuation mark
D&C……………………………. Where Washington is
Dilate………………………….. To live long
Enema………………………… Not a friend
Fester…………………………. Quicker than someone else
Fibula…………………………. A small lie
G.I.Series……………….. …… World Series of military baseball
Hangnail………………… …… What you hang your coat on
Impotent……………………… Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………………… Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………………. A doctors cane
Morbid…………….. …………. A higher offer than one bid
Node…………………………... I knew it
Outpatient……………………. A person who has fainted
Pap Smear……………………. A fatherhood test
Pelvis………………………….. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………………. A letter carrier
Recovery Room…………….. A place to do upholstery
Rectum……………….………..Damn near killed him
Secretion…………. …………. Hiding something
Seizure…………………………Roman emperor
Tablet…………………………. A small table
Terminal Illiness…………….. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor…………………………. More than one
Urine……………………………Opposite of mine
Varicose………………………. Near by close by

?#@%!

for DAD

FATHER'S DAY.....OKAY

WHAT I REMEMBER....

Red Neck Family Tree....A POEM

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

Lesson's from DAD

1. My dad taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
2. My dad taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
3. My dad taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your mother."
4. My dad taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
5. My dad taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until I get home."
6. My dad taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your mother!"
7. My dad taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
8. My dad taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
9. My dad taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
10. My dad taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

A letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

For a dishonest employee:
"His true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

Eulogy for a Veteran

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the Gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of
quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.